Craig's MovieBlog

Michael Bay is Loved by Everyone

This is both true and painfully ironic.

His film, Transformers 2, had the second largest opening single day of all time on Wednesday, raking in $60.6 million dollars.  So, he is clearly loved by lots of you.

At the same time, the reviews of the film were blisteringly awful, but many were staggeringly creative:

“It sounds as though the script…was written in serial novel form during an all-night mescaline bender,” Christopher Orr, The New Republic

“I’d rather listen to Mr. Roboto on a loop for 150 minutes than watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen again,” Mike Ward, Richmond.com

“Will insult your intelligence, hurt your eyes, and offend your sense of decency until you worry that your skull might explode while your brain trickles right out of your ears,” Tricia Olszewski, Washington City Paper

Please note that the following is from a POSITIVE review of the film:

“It’s like watching a blender for two hours while someone shouts at you. And then the last half an hour is the same, except it’s more like having your head strapped to a washing machine while you watch a blender and someone shouts at you,”  Paul French, FHM

But perhaps the best comment was called out by former Deadspin editor Will Leitch after he read what Roger Ebert wrote:

“I didn’t have a stop watch, but it seemed to me the elephantine action scenes were pretty much spaced out evenly through the movie. There was no starting out slow and building up to a big climax. The movie is pretty much all climax. The Autobots and Deceptibots must not have read the warning label on their Viagra. At last we see what a four-hour erection looks like.”

Mr. Leitch also gleefully called out Rian Johnson’s recent tweets.  Rian Johnson is the writer and director of Brick and The Brothers Bloom.  I’m sure Michael Bay will gladly call out that Mr. Johnson’s films combined were outgrossed by Transformers 2 in the first 60 seconds of its release.  Having said that, Mr. Johnson writes:

“I think Bay's creative process is clarified by describing any scene from the film then putting the words "and shit" at the end of it:”

"And they're in Egypt, so they're driving past camels and shit."

"And they need to get to this machine they have to bust up the pyramids and shit."

"And this sliver thing activates something in Shia's brain so he's seeing symbols and shit."

And finally, the “Fake Michael Bay” twitter page is fantastic.  It’s kind of like the Chuck Norris jokes, but still brilliant.

And In The Least Surprising News of the Day

Megan Fox has broken up with Brian Austin Green.

Seriously… how did it take this long?

Was Ratatouille a Flop?

This is a little older, but the Vulture Blog is reporting on Jim Hill's Media Blog that not only does Disney feel that Pixar's Ratatouille was a flop at the box office, but Pixar feels that Disney did a lame job of marketing the product.

To this, I have two things to say:

• To Pixar: Shut up.  The next time you want someone to market a movie to children about a rat in a French restaurant (in a summer with Spidey, Captain Jack, Transformers, and Shrek) why don't you try it yourself?
• To Disney: Shut up.  According to Box Office Mojo, the film has made over $413 million worldwide (with a production budget of $150 million).  May we all have flops as disastrous as this.

Michael Bay Has Free Time

This has to be a joke, right?

Apparently, making movies about Giant Freaking Robots, or sleeping with a different Playboy Playmate every year isn't as time consuming as we would all think.  I say this, because Michael Bay is apparently a regular reader of the Northwest Herald.  Not familiar with the Northwest Herald?  It's the source for "local news and video for McHenry County, Illinois." 

Today's homepage leads with "Red tape threatens organic farmer" and there's not one mention of Lindsay Lohan's arrest anywhere.  How dare they call themselves a legitimate news source?

Me?  I let my subscription lapse after they shelved their swimsuit issue.

Anyway, Mike didn't like what their movie reviewer wrote about his Transformers movie, so he took the time to write a letter to the editor. 

Let me repeat that slightly differently.  Michael Bay actually gives a crap about what the movie reviewer for the Northwest Herald said about his movie, which as of today, has now grossed over $458 million worldwide.  Apparently not sure how to spend all his money, he decided to send them a letter telling them how much he cares about what the Northwest Herald thinks:

“To the Editor:

The Northwest Herald’s movie critic, Jeffrey Westhoff, seems to be woefully out of touch with pop culture.

The Transformers movie’s $155 million seven-day haul is the biggest non-sequel opening in box office history. Numbers like that usually mean positive word of mouth on the film is huge, and people are going back.

A friend of mine, Steven Spielberg, he’s pretty smart about film, said Westhoff’s review was idiotic. Westhoff’s a critic who actually reviewed his dislike for the director, rather then reviewing the movie, like his job description prescribes. Westhoff talks about the director being an “egomaniacal hack.” Well I don’t believe I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting Westhoff, though it sounds like he knows me. If Westhoff actually did know me, he would find me to be a pretty down-to-earth, nice guy.

I implore the editor to give Westhoff a little relaxation and sunshine, clear his head, let him rediscover that movie-going is supposed to be a fun experience.

Maybe even help him get rid of his hatred.

Michael Bay
Director of Transformers
Los Angeles, Ca.”

"Dude... relax... get some sun... and be a down-to-earth multi-millionaire that hangs with Spielberg, just like me... another down-to-earth guy."

Or, maybe I shouldn't be surprised, since Joe Carnahan sent me email... and I'm pretty sure my readership is smaller than the Northwest Herald.

New Transformers Trailer

It look a long time, but they finally made a trailer that made me say, "wow... I need to see that movie."

Where You'll Be Spending Your Cinematic Dollars This Summer

I thought a little calendar might come in handy as you do your weekend summer movie planning.  This is not every film being released this summer - just the big tentpoles (and a few others), because as much as you say you hate them, you know you're going to see them anyway:

May 4 - You already spent your money on Spider-Man 3.  Nice work.

May 11 - 28 Weeks Later made about $10 million last weekend and will need help if there's going to be a 28 Months Later.

May 18 - Shrek the Third.  Buzz is non-existent... even though the sequel was humongous.

May 25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.  It's the longest one yet, and even the writers don't understand what it's about.

June 1 - Knocked Up.  Can't Wait.

June 8 - Huge counter-programming weekend.  Surf's Up for the kids, Ocean's 13 for me, and Hostel II for um... them.

June 15 - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.  It can't be worse than the last one, can it?

June 22 - Evan Almighty: The World's Most Expensive Comedy.  I would laugh heartily if Knocked Up made more money than this, but they're aiming it at the kiddies, not rated R like the Judd Apatow film, so I'm not getting my hopes up.  Also 1408 (John Cusack in a Stephen King thriller) and Captivity (the billboards the government doesn't want you to see!)

June 27 - Live Free or Die Hard (aka Die Hard 4.0) with a non-R rating.  Can John McClane say "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" in a PG-13 film?  I guess we'll find out. 

June 29 - Ratatouille from Pixar will show pundits why you don't need to pump out a sequel to make a successful film.  On another note, Michael Moore takes on the healthcare industry with Sicko.

July 4 - Transformers.  This might be where Michael Bay trounces Bruce at the box office to get his revenge for their recent spat.  License to Wed will probably only be watchable since "Jim" from The Office is starring.

July 13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  Why is no one talking about this film?  Are they too distracted by the final book coming out the week after?

July 20 - I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Hairspray.  I just know there's a homophobia joke in here somewhere...

July 27 - The Simpsons Movie.  What are the weekly ratings on this show these days?  Who is still watching?  Wouldn't this have made sense about 8 years ago?  Also, Lindsay Lohan's newest box office disappointment, I Know Who Killed Me.

August 3 - The Bourne Ultimatum.  Yessss....

August 10 - Rush Hour 3 - The movie that society practically demanded to see.  Stardust also appears here.

August 17 - The Invasion is the film the Wachowskis had to take over, and Superbad has Michael Cera from Arrested Development, so I'm there.

Transformers Trailer: This Might Make Some Money

Here's the latest Transformers trailer.  Holy schneikies...

Transformers Trailer

This will probably get pulled off of YouTube very soon, so watch it while you still can.

I just can't believe the way Michael Bay throws his name up there.  More kids know Optimus Prime than Michael Bay, and people who know who he is probably aren't going to see this anyway.

UPDATE: The official trailer is now up.