I flipped to this last night with just 15 minutes left in the show, but after 5 minutes, we couldn't take it anymore. The combination of the Blair Witch camera work and the philosophical musings of an enormously wealthy hillbilly idiot made me too woozy to go on. Must reads:
Television Without Pity:
Like an episode of COPS, only with much more money involved, the premiere episode of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic follows the goofy, uber-intermittently-charming non-singer Britney as she travels through the UK, taping herself with a hand-held camera. Really, nothing happens. Britney is love-starved. Britney asks all her back-up dancers and gay hair people what they think about love. Britney talks about sex. Britney smokes. Britney drives. But then the skank factor increases exponentially as BritBrit invites the ferret-esque K-Fed to join her on tour. With his wimpy, vaginal beard, beady cobra eyes, and penchant for chillin' with his shirt off, K-Fed comes across as every bit the greasy dullard you would think he'd be, and then some. It's "White Trash Wins the Lottery," in real time. The show is like an extremely boring car crash: it sucks and really nothing at all happens in the end, but nevertheless you can't look away, the only true entertainment value being the constant and very real threat that at any minute either of Britney's gigantic bodyguards might kick the shit out of K-Fed, whom they obviously hate.
TVGasm - America's Trashiest Home Videos:
Now Britney can relive those magical moments: the first time she impregnated another woman, the first time she wore a do-rag, and the first time she finished almost all of the crossword in People Magazine. Yes, Kevin would be able to take her on a magical journey.
The next home video gem came courtesy of a little night-vision action. I reasonably became excited at the prospect of another sex tape scandal, but sadly, we were only privy to Britney making funny faces in the camera. Oh look, she's making her nose look like a snout! Oh, and now she's crossing her eyes! And now she's sticking her jaw out! Oh, that's good times. I remember when I used to do that... WHEN I WAS EIGHT.
We then cut to a still shot of Britney's knees. "They look like boobs, but they're not," she said. Yes, that's because they're KNEES, you moron. Okay, to be fair, she accurately pointed out that they were in fact knees, and I really shouldn't be so harsh on her searing commentary. It's not fair really. It's like making fun of a toddler for having bad grammar.
"My ideal guy I think for me will be somebody that's... um... cool." Wow, she has got to lower her standards. She'll never find a guy with those picky requirements!
Later, Britney and her crew headed to the UK version of TRL (same show, only instead of Carson Daly, they have fish and chips. It's actually much more enjoyable). "I get real antsy in cars!" said Britney, adding, "I done get real nervous-like without my keg of Cheetos next to me. Yeah, that's right. I got Cheetos on tap."
